im no writer. just a girl with a laptop.

life is short.
sometimes i sit and can't wait for the sun to rise. new day, new air, breathe in the possibilities.
other days i wish to push pause, get my things in order and eat a sundae. i keep my eyes open as late as i can just to try and accomplish something before tomorrow begins.
at this moment i sit in a hotel room, my face bright from my laptop screen, the ocean staring at me from the other side of the balcony window, singing its lovely ocean song, my fingertips on the keys are serenading me as well, and the two loves of my life sleeping in the queen size comfort of a shilo inn bed.
i suppose this is one of those paused moments, minus the sundae. we had a lovely day here in seaside today. waking up to ocean waves, playing in the town arcade, swimming, eating sushi, oh vacation. now a small bit of sadness grabs me with the sinking sun. my boys are growing fast. i am getting older. what am i doing and how do i keep hold of it all. sometimes i grab for time so harshly and longingly that it makes me crazy. wild. unpredictable. i say things i don't mean. i do things i shouldn't. i give false impressions and ask for comforting answers that may not be true but make my id satisfied. then i wake up. again. and feel all my thoughts and answers being sorted out over a salad, hold the dressing please.
grown up heidi is much more stable and responsible than i give her credit. i really do love everyone and want the best for the hearts that come into and leave my life. i hold memories as if they are fragile boxes filled with expired chocolate. they mean so much to me but i can never satisfy my craving for them, they are finished.
grown up heidi tries to place these fragile memories on a bookshelf, to collect dust and be recognized but essentially forgotten, because that is whats best.

ive been playing quite a bit of music lately. actually, the only time i really go out without the boys is to play a show or practice, or listen to friends play. i find comfort in good music. it really doesn't even have to sound good. just be made by people who love and i'll tap my foot on the ground and sing in off-key colors. i miss my close friends, sometimes i wonder if they know how much they mean to me,they don't. but music has filled in where i am lacking in relationships boys, girls, family. essentially, i am married to music, and im okay with that. now, at this moment, at the ocean, with my whole world in this room right here, im gonna lay down with the ol' ball and chain and wait for tomorrow.

yep. they're mine.

well then.

Its almost five a.m. Cant sleep. I think about the boys constantly when they arent with me and just want to scoop them up and make them feel the love i have for them. They are my best friends and I hope someday they realize how special they are. Here are some recent photos. 

2009

Dear 2009,

I hope you realize the expectation you have set out for yourself and how hard you are going to have to work to prove that the world as we know it is not, as everyone expects, taking a tumble. 2009, you ARE my year, you ARE my friends year, you ARE my families year, and most importantly you ARE my kids year.  To me, you are set out to start a new beginning, to reveal a broadened path of happiness. 

2009, I vow to help you achieve your greatness. I will work toward making it the best and most productive year yet. Music is our theme. Music of life, music of love, afterall music is understanding.  So here, is to the Music of 2009. May you be the grandest yet. 

Goodbye 2008, I cant say I'm sad to see you go, but I have learned a lot from the shortcomings and heartaches of this year. 

I'm ready. 

christmastime

Yay! It's December. Christmastime has officially started. Christmas music, lights, santas, goodwill to all... I really love this time of year. I feel like this December is one of the hardest I've dealt with, but I am also more happy right now than I have been in previous years. I have my boys. They are so cool. I have my friends. I am making strides towards keeping contact with the family I do have in my life. 

This weekend the boys and I chalked it full with everything we could. Saturday we left early to Seattle where we had lunch at Red Robin.  We walked to the arcade and played and played and played.  Unfortunately i didnt take my camera this time, i have been waiting to get my replacement 50 mm lens (which arrived late saturday by the way). After the arcade, we ventured to the aquarium and spent some time playing with the starfish. We finished up the day at Top Pot Donuts, like most of our Seattle trips, for some chocolate maple bars and coffee for mom.   

Today, Noah got to spend the afternoon with friends at the ymca for a birthday party and Parker and i got to spend some quality time at a sushi restaurant. :) And after we went to chuck-e-cheese.. 

Tonight we worked on our Gingerbread house... complete with frosted windows and gummy gum drops.  What a great way to begin Christmastime.

Well this week has rushed past us..
Parkers last football game of the season was on saturday.. It was so much fun.. I asked him last week if he was ready for basketball season.. he said 'mom im no good at basketball.. football is my lifes passion cant i just play that all year!' It made me laugh.

Noah is growing like a weed and very interested in spelling. Everywhere we go he spells everything.. and usually sings it too. He is so cute.
I took the kids to see Madagascar 2 in the theatres and realized its been so long since weve done that. Actually the last movie we saw was Kung fu Panda with my mom in tow. Tonight Parker told me how much he loves his grandma even though shes not here and that she was the best grandma he'd ever had. We all miss her tremendously.
I am borrowing a car from a friend which is exciting because of the amount of rain we have been having. No more walking in the rain for us. But speaking of rain, about 2 weeks ago our house flooded. The bottom floor filled with around 2 inches water and we have been working on keeping it dry ever since. In the meanwhile the kids are sleeping upstairs in my bed and I am sleeping on the couch once again. Que sera sera.
I played two shows this last saturday. One for the kind folks at Borders Books in Puyallup. It was a party for the new movie/old book Twilight. So Chris Bridges and I played for around an hour. It was great.
Then we headed on over to tacoma to play at Doyles where they seemed to really like us. We stayed after and listened to a friends band.. and rocked out with some homies of ours. Im so thankful i know so many amazing musicians