Monday, June 14, 2010

im no writer. just a girl with a laptop.


life is short.
sometimes i sit and can't wait for the sun to rise. new day, new air, breathe in the possibilities.
other days i wish to push pause, get my things in order and eat a sundae. i keep my eyes open as late as i can just to try and accomplish something before tomorrow begins.
at this moment i sit in a hotel room, my face bright from my laptop screen, the ocean staring at me from the other side of the balcony window, singing its lovely ocean song, my fingertips on the keys are serenading me as well, and the two loves of my life sleeping in the queen size comfort of a shilo inn bed.
i suppose this is one of those paused moments, minus the sundae. we had a lovely day here in seaside today. waking up to ocean waves, playing in the town arcade, swimming, eating sushi, oh vacation. now a small bit of sadness grabs me with the sinking sun. my boys are growing fast. i am getting older. what am i doing and how do i keep hold of it all. sometimes i grab for time so harshly and longingly that it makes me crazy. wild. unpredictable. i say things i don't mean. i do things i shouldn't. i give false impressions and ask for comforting answers that may not be true but make my id satisfied. then i wake up. again. and feel all my thoughts and answers being sorted out over a salad, hold the dressing please.
grown up heidi is much more stable and responsible than i give her credit. i really do love everyone and want the best for the hearts that come into and leave my life. i hold memories as if they are fragile boxes filled with expired chocolate. they mean so much to me but i can never satisfy my craving for them, they are finished.
grown up heidi tries to place these fragile memories on a bookshelf, to collect dust and be recognized but essentially forgotten, because that is whats best.

ive been playing quite a bit of music lately. actually, the only time i really go out without the boys is to play a show or practice, or listen to friends play. i find comfort in good music. it really doesn't even have to sound good. just be made by people who love and i'll tap my foot on the ground and sing in off-key colors. i miss my close friends, sometimes i wonder if they know how much they mean to me,they don't. but music has filled in where i am lacking in relationships boys, girls, family. essentially, i am married to music, and im okay with that. now, at this moment, at the ocean, with my whole world in this room right here, im gonna lay down with the ol' ball and chain and wait for tomorrow.